and I am still beginning

For many years I thought I was a practicing Zen Buddhist. It isn’t super relevant to this post, so I’m not going to get into the details and complications of that statement. No matter the case, I put the better part of a couple decades into study and practice adjacent to Zen Buddhism. The thing about it that first captured my interest was the concept of “beginner’s mind”.

This interest in Zen Buddhism came about around the same time I picked up photography as my primary medium. As such, my understanding of the medium is tied to that particular lens. After college I found myself constantly chasing the mindset I had when I was new to the medium, or when I was new to the idea of creating art many years prior.

I’ve been filled with a sense that I am “faking it” when it comes to photography. That I cannot speak with authority about my own work or the medium I’ve dedicated my life to. Recently I’ve grown more and more aware of this feeling. Only tonight have I recognized what the heart of that feeling is. I feel like I am constantly starting or restarting. I never have the sense that I have concrete control over my craft. That feeling that I am faking it is the feeling that I am just starting or have not really started yet.

Going forward I am going to do my best to reframe this feeling. Rather than something to be feared, it is evidence that I am in the right place, doing the right thing. I can stand here and say, here are all of the things I’ve done that I can be proud of, and I am still beginning.